Why making friends as an adult can be hard
Wasn’t it easier as a child?
Text: Rachel L
For some of us, friends might have come easily when we were a child. A simple “Do you want to be my friend?” would seal the deal, resulting in promises to be best friends for life. Of course, all of us have different experiences navigating friendships in our childhood. However, while making friends at a young age might not be all sunshine and rainbows, most might be inclined to agree that the generally straightforward world of playgroups and BFFs tends to evolve into something much more complex in later years.
If you find making friends as an adult difficult, you’re – for lack of a better term – in good company. A survey in 2019 found that the average American didn’t make a new friend for 5 years. Similar statistics have also been observed globally. But why is this the case and is loneliness really inevitable? In this article, we unpack some of the reasons why forging new friendships as an adult might feel like a struggle and share tips on how to deal with them.
Past experiences and resulting prejudices
When comparing making childhood friendships as opposed to those in adulthood, occupational psychologist and human interaction expert, Dr. Angela Carter explains that as children we view the world and, consequently, the people we meet with untainted eyes. At a young age, we have no negative experiences with certain people to cast a shadow on any future interactions with someone that seems to fit the same criteria or stereotype. The unawareness of social norms or prevailing prejudices allow children to see the person before them, allowing them to be more open and accepting of anyone who comes their way.
As adults, however, our worldview has been tainted by years of past interactions and any misjudgements we may have picked up. When faced with new people, many of us base our impressions and judgements on past experiences. This in turn limits our willingness to have a variety of friends, whether from different backgrounds, cultures and genders, which might translate into us being extremely selective.
The solution: reflect and identify any discriminatory mindsets
There is no positive outcome for being prejudiced and discriminatory. And while the past can hurt and bad interactions can sometimes be extremely scarring, it’s also important to remember that allowing ourselves to be limited by judgmental attitudes will only serve as a hindrance to our personal growth and relationships. While it’s important to exercise discernment in who you choose to surround yourself with, it might also be a good practice to take time to identify any prejudices you might be holding onto as well as the reason behind their existence. From there, start taking progressive steps to change them.
In-groups and out-groups
According to psychologists, as we evolve, group membership and a sense of belonging often plays a large role in our personal worth. Shared characteristics such as personal values, interests, sense of humour and social status all contribute to our expectations of friendships which we hold onto when looking for new friends. As a result, we might end up struggling to accept or even outrightly reject new relationships that do not completely fit our perceived optimal model of friendship.
The solution: understand that people and friendships are not all-inclusive
The friendly co-worker you meet at work isn’t going to have all the qualities your secondary school best friend possesses – and that’s alright! Different friendships enrich our lives in different, unique and wonderful ways. One friend might be the perfect mate for a wild night out while another might be your closest confidant. Instead of simply brushing budding friendships off because they don’t fulfill every aspect of your dream friendship, stick around to discover how these new friendships develop and fit in your life, and indeed how you can do the same for them. After all, friendships are a two way street and need effort from both sides in order to work. If there are changes that you wish to see, don’t be afraid to initiate them in a tactful and considerate manner — friendships are dynamic and don’t have to remain as they first started out.
Time and opportunities
One of the many joys of being a child or adolescent is the amount of time you have on hand (though we might not have been aware of this blessing at that time!). Pair this up with classroom interactions, after-school activities and many clubs or societies to join and you’ll find yourself with endless chances to meet new faces.
A study from the University of Kansas found that two individuals need to spend approximately 90 hours to become friends and 200 hours to qualify as close friends. Wow! This might seem like a daunting figure to fork out given the many commitments that seem to come with growing up.
The solution: be proactive and understand that friendships are worth their weight in gold
Multiple studies have shown that, as social beings, friendships and emotional bonds play a big role in our overall well-being. While making new friends might seem to involve so much – forking out time, awkward silences, the nerve-wracking experience of putting yourself out there, and the horrible possibility of rejection – it’s important to remember that building new social bonds also comes with lots of fun, joy, laughter and encouragement. In short, it’s definitely worth it!
A helpful tip might be to evaluate what kind of friendships you are looking for. Are you hoping to find a mentor, a fellow bookworm or someone going through the same season of life as well? Understanding what kind of friend you’re seeking will guide you in where to start looking for them.
