Anxiety and Sex. How Pandemic-Induced Stress affects Libido
The impact of pandemic induced anxiety, uncertainty and overall dip in self-confidence on our sex life has been immense. We speak to Dr Oberdan Marianetti, founder of OM-ICE and experienced sexologist on how to reawaken our libido and revive the joy of sex
Text: Rebecca Morais and Dr Oberdan Marianetti
Lean on your partners for emotional and physical support
The global pandemic has either deepened bonds and brought couples together with a desire for greater affection or it has taken a toll on our sex lives with intimacy taking a turn for the worst. The rollercoaster, pandemic-induced sexual patterns, according to Rhonda Balzarini, a social psychologist and assistant professor at Texas State University, US, is a direct response to how couples reacted to stress at each stage of the lockdown.
The Indian Journal of Psychiatry also reports that physical distance, travel restrictions, high-human transmission rates, coupled with the fear of intimacy and isolation played a huge role on our overall sexual wellbeing. With continued uncertainty, the negative impact on our sex lives has been a huge burden on couples but there are ways to reclaim our sexual happiness and engage with our partner to pursue an honest, open and satisfying physical connection.
To help us better understand, we speak to Dr Oberdan Marianetti, founder of OM-ICE, and an experienced psychologist and sexologist on why anxiety is more prevalent during the pandemic, how stress and anxiety affect your sex life, how to cope with stress, and how to improve your libido.
1. How can anxiety and stress affect your sex life?
Dr Oberdan Marienetti suggests that in most cases excessive stress and anxiety are likely to negatively impact the expression of our sexual being – the key word being ‘excessive’. We all need a little tension in our life to remain motivated and to move forward. But when it becomes all too much, we can become exceedingly overwhelmed and eventually lose our healthy desire for sex. This leads to performance anxiety, or in more severe cases, sexual dysfunction.
2. What are ways to cope with stress?
According to Dr Oberdan, excessive stress, the type that can be damaging, is usually experienced when the demands placed on us are perceived as excessive in comparison to our available resources to deal with them. The easy way to redress the balance, according to him, is either to reduce the demands or to increase our available resources.
As well as improving our health and wellness in general, practicing mini mindfulness techniques is a great way to help us focus on the present and reduce unproductive thoughts linked to the feeling of being overwhelmed.
3. How can we find peace in the chaos that is the ongoing pandemic?
We can cope with burnout when we first acknowledge that we are experiencing burnout, and it is not weak to feel that way. Once we acknowledge this, we can build resilience and regain hope. Some of the ways we can cope are to make enough time for restful sleep.
Being physically active does help to cope with burnout as well. Eating nutritious meals and staying hydrated are just as important as well. Last but not least, find ways that will help you relax your mind, body, and soul. Mindfulness practice can help to improve relaxation.
In all things, there must always be a balance. Depending on each individual’s ability to handle stress and situations, sometimes rest ethics might even be more important than work ethics.
Tip 1: Create a physically and/or mentally safe space for yourself.
Even when working at home, there has to be a different physical place to work and rest and relax. For example, if possible, try not to work in your bedroom, as it should be a place of relaxation for you after a full day’s work. Physically segregating space for work and rest is very important. If the physical space is hard to segregate, you can do it mentally. Such as taking breaks between, closing your eyes and sitting in a comfortable position, and clearing your mind even for a while.
Tip 2: Be mindful of how you spend your time.
Due to the pandemic, many people have started working from home instead of physically in their workplace. Because of this arrangement, many times, office hours such as 9am to 5pm have changed to working as long as you are awake until you fall asleep. This has caused a lot of disruption as people feel the need to work as long as they are awake. In addition, some people have turned their dining table into an office, virtual meeting room, and dine-in place.
Weekdays and weekends somehow start to feel the same. Especially so if one is currently not working. Therefore, tracking how we spend our time is very important; this will help us to see how we want to allocate time for different activities throughout the day. On top of that, it will also help us reduce the amount of time spent on media and help us to include a variety of activities into our daily lives. Tracking your time/schedule will also help you be aware of your mental availability and stop us from falling back on becoming auto-pilot.
Tip 3: Focus on the present time and day.
Thinking about what the future would hold can get overwhelming sometimes. There are tons of questions running through your head during this time, such as “When can I travel again?”, “Would I be able to find a job?”, “When can I see my family again?”. To stay present during this pandemic, allow yourself to have mental and physical space to worry in your schedule.
For example, allow yourself to worry for 15 to 20 minutes a day. During this period, you allow your worried thoughts to arise and put them away when the schedule is up. You can also make a worry jar/journal to keep your worry thoughts together and put them away once you have written them down. By doing so, you create mental blocks so your mind does not get exhausted.
Mindfulness practice might not eliminate anxiety, but it will help you stay grounded during this uncertain time and give you a safe space for your mental health.
Self-exploration is great when you're meeting less people
4. How are anxiety and self-esteem issues related to sex? What can partners do to cope with this?
According to Dr Oberdan, whether we realise it or not, we are all subjected to the powers of external images and messages. Both men and women have been conditioned to believe that to be accepted and loved, only certain types of bodies, looks, or social and economic status are welcome. Given that the majority of us deviate, more or less markedly, from these standards, it is not uncommon to end up feeling inadequate, unlovable or lacking in some way. This can impact our self-esteem and the level of confidence with which we embody and express our sexual being.
Partners can support each other by reframing their expectations of what is acceptable and be honest about what they find arousing and sexual, both within themselves, as well as their partner.
Healthline, a leading US health and wellness online platform, suggests reigniting the spark with new experiences like taking a sensual mini holiday or simply being more affectionate and open with your partner.
5. Is sexual anxiety something that is more prevalent during the pandemic?
Medical experts believe that there are several reasons that lead to sexual anxiety and decreased libidos during the pandemic including:
· You’re spending a lot more (or less) time with your partner
· You’re drinking or smoking more
· You’re having less sex – it’s an inescapable dilemma
While anxiety is more prevalent during this ongoing pandemic, Dr Oberdan believes that many have also found ways to release stress and anxiety with intimacy.
“The average man, for example, who would spend long hours in the office and barely spend any time with his wife and children pre-pandemic, is now rediscovering the beauty of that connection and falling in love all over again.”
Dr Oberdan even points out that infidelity due to corporate travel and frequent absence from home can result in a re-evaluation of trust and desire to rekindle a committed marriage.
6. What can people who aren’t meeting new people (less social life due to the pandemic) as much do to achieve sexual gratification?
Dr Oberdan uses a culinary analogy to highlight the importance of sexual self-discovery to achieve full satisfaction and journey of sexual self-discovery. “Imagine that you only ate pizza your whole life. Suddenly you meet a partner who wants to take you to all the great restaurants they have enjoyed. As they offer you these new experiences, you realise you have no frame of reference point to skilfully decide how to choose.
While it may be helpful to be led on an amazing journey of culinary exploration, it would be incredibly helpful if you had spent sufficient time to learn on your own the flavours that you really enjoy and those that you don’t. It would make for a much greater partnership experience.”
For more information on self-pleasure and sexual wellness brands in Singapore, check out The Soothe’s article.
About Dr Oberdan Marianetti
Dr Oberdan Marianetti is the founder of OM-ICE and practitioner of several wellbeing practices in Singapore, including Wim Hof Method and Oxygen Advantage. Dr Oberdan is a qualified psychologist, clinical sexologist and opened his first clinic in Singapore in 2015 to serve the local community, focusing on relationship and sexuality challenges. Intrigued by the way the mind works, Dr Oberdan first qualified as a psychologist over 15 years ago and has worked with both corporates and individuals. After successfully transitioning out of the corporate world twice, he is well-versed in navigating and understanding it from both ends of the spectrum.
