What to say to someone who is not okay

Know someone around you who’s having a hard time? Here are some tips on how you can comfort and support

Text: Hui Yi Phua

We’ve all been there before – you notice that a friend or family seems off and you want to show them care and concern. But how should you do it in a respectful and helpful manner? Many of us struggle with knowing what to say to our friends, colleagues or loved ones who might be having a hard time. While it can be daunting to know how to initiate such chats, they are essential conversations we must have to support each other’s mental well-being.

We may be the first people who our loved ones reach out to for help because we’ve already established the necessary trust and bond needed to discuss important and vulnerable topics. This makes it all the more crucial for us to know how to navigate conversations regarding our mental health. We’ve researched top mental health resources such as the R U OK? Campaign from Australia, Promises Healthcare, and InPsychful and condensed a list of tips on what to say to someone who is not feeling okay.

1.    Show them that you’re open to talk

One of the simplest ways to show your care towards friends and family is to check in with them with questions like: “Are you okay?”, “Would you like to talk?”, “Can I keep you company today?” and “Can I help you in some way?”. This opens up the option for them to talk to you and signals that you’re ready to listen to them.

However, it is important to keep in mind that everyone processes their experiences and emotions differently. Sometimes, there might not be a response from them immediately when you reach out. In this case, you can show them compassion, be patient and give them some time and space.

2.    Listen and avoid imposing your opinions or advice

If and when they’re willing to open up to you, simply listen to them without judgement.

While it is okay for you to have your own opinions or advice about their situation, try not to impose any of them onto the other party as it might make them feel uncomfortable or defensive, which doesn’t help in encouraging them to open up to you.

Remember that this is a time and space for your friend or loved one to tell you about their experience and feelings – although it might be tempting for us to inject ourselves and our past experiences into the conversation, the goal is to give them our fullest attention as they confide in us so that we can comfort them and help them lighten their load.

3.    Witness and affirm their feelings

While your friend or family is sharing, you can provide them with empathetic, reflecting and affirming responses such as “I know that this is a hard time for you, and I know that you’re hurting…” and “I can understand why you feel this way”. These help validate their feelings and make them feel heard and seen. It also re-establishes that the conversation is being held at a safe space, allowing them to share freely and comfortably.

4.    Don’t minimize their pain or focus only on cheering them up

It could be a good idea to stay clear of cliches like “count your blessings”, “cheer up”, “things will get better” and statements such as “other people have it worse” or “it’s all in your head”. Even if these are said with good intentions, it could be interpreted by the other party as you are trying to trivialise their experience and feelings, which makes them feel worse.

5.    Further resources

If you notice obvious signs that indicate that they require help dealing with emotional issues or a mental health problem, you can voice your concern and talk to them about receiving professional help in an empathetic and gentle manner.

Should they be unreceptive about the idea, do not force it upon them. Being patient is key – although they might not feel ready to seek help elsewhere now, this conversation may have started getting them to consider it for the future.

Click here for a comprehensive guide on local mental health professionals.

6.    Affirm your support and commitment

Your actions and words after this conversation matter just as much – remind them that you’re here for them and check in with them regularly via supportive texts or meet-ups. Take time out to show them genuine care and concern, it can make a real difference.  

For more The Soothe mental health content, click here.

This article was independently written by The Soothe. For more information, please refer to our disclaimer.

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