7 Red Flags in Relationship
Whether you’re in a fresh relationship or are an old married couple, there are a few relationship red flags that you should never ignore
Text: Rebecca Morais and Sophia Goh
There are a few red flags that you should never ignore, as they could lead to much worse behaviour
As the phrase on Wanda Pierce of BoJack Horseman goes “When you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” This is especially so during the honeymoon phase and it’s important to spot red flags in a relationship early on to avoid your emotional and mental health being severely compromised.
We speak to Claire Leong, a counsellor in Singapore, who defines a red flag as indicative of potential issues in a relationship that might hurt one or both parties. A red flag doesn’t mean that the relationship will or should never work – it means that both parties will have to put in more effort into making the relationship work.
Whilst we aren’t necessarily looking at the obvious, such as cheating or verbal abuse which are more apparent and hugely detrimental, there are the subtle behaviours out there that you need to be aware of.
Couple arguing
1. Unstable emotional responses
Your partner might have tiny flashes or emotional reactions that seem unreasonable for the situation at that time. A friend of The Soothe’s once divulged that when she went on a date with a gentleman and they were discussing music tastes, she’d specified a rapper that she really liked. He then shut her off completely and became entirely unresponsive even though the date initially had gone well, which was confusing and uncalled for. Many people struggle to regulate their emotions and express what they feel genuinely.
Claire Leong highlights extremely high passion and intensity of love may seem like a good thing, but a relationship that begins with a lot of passion and intensity may be a sign of trouble! The relationship might be based solely on strong emotions rather than compatibility. It could also blind you to other red flags or traits in your partner you may come to realise you cannot live with.
2. Manipulation, gaslighting or obsessive interest in you
It’s flattering for someone to be interested in you (ahh swoon!), and your new partner should be excited to get to know you. Still, these individuals take it a step further by digging deep to source for vulnerabilities, especially if there are ways to manipulate you. If your partner creates a narrative that causes you to doubt yourself — your thoughts, feelings, sanity — by manipulating and twisting the truth, they are probably gaslighting you or dating a narcissist, making you feel your sense of reality is not true. If this sounds like your partner, we encourage you to reassess your relationship.
Motivating one another to achieve your goals
According to Claire, if your partner is constantly violating your boundaries, this is a sign that there is not enough respect in the relationship. How your partner responds to your physical boundaries early on in a relationship is indicative of how they will respond to other boundaries in the future.
You have the right to privacy in a relationship; however, if the level of privacy makes your partner super anxious, it’s important to communicate with them. According to the Center for Modern Relationships, you should sit down with your partner to discuss what remains private and “public” when it comes to your relationship. Intentionally keeping secrets, lying or purposeful omission of everyday details are clear red flags.
4. Your friends and family disapprove
While you don't need to navigate your relationships under the direction of your concerned friends and family members, it's worth it to at least hear them out. Understand that your friends and family are usually coming from a good place; an outsider's perspective usually holds some truth. Your partner might act differently when you're alone, but treat you with disrespect publicly. If your loved ones have highlighted these behaviours, it might be worth speaking to a professional to identify these to understand what others are seeing that you aren't.
Being each others’ cheerleaders
It’s important to be in sync or at least have similar libidos. If you aren’t necessarily in sync then you should at least be able to navigate and communicate about these differences. Sexual intimacy is about feeling affection and developing a connection, whatever form that takes, not how many times you have it. Focusing on a quality connection or frequency might be a helpful way to amend this red flag to a yellow one. Sex is an important part of relationships, and if both partners are not cohesive, it results in bruised egos, emotional pressure and disappointment. Claire suggests focusing on other love languages, self-pleasure, or bringing in toys to the bedroom.
6. Self-involvement to the point where there is no compromise
Self-absorbed people don't stop to consider your preferences or happiness or even the health of your relationship. In their mind, the relationship is all about them. It’s healthy to have your own life outside of the relationship, but when it comes to the point where either partner is not the least bit considered, that’s when it’s toxic. If you constantly feel pressured to change your plans (even the tiniest ones) to work for their benefit, that’s a red flag. The harsh reality is that your relationship might not be a priority for this person, and it’s unlikely that you’ll feel deeply loved and cherished.
7. Mismatched expectations and life goals
According to Dr Wendy Walsh, if your relationship goals aren’t aligned, this could be a sign that it’s time to walk away. While this is less of a red flag compared to the others highlighted, it presents the possibility of other misaligned relationship goals, including where you want to live, if you wish to have children, and how you plan to tackle finances. If your partner is of a different cultural background too, it’s important to practice sensitivity and to discuss how your lives would be in terms of traditions, spirituality, or religion as well as how your festive practices should be celebrated. If your partner suppresses or belittles your beliefs that is also a red flag.
Remember, these flags are only easy to spot in hindsight. If you’ve been in a relationship with a toxic person, it’s important to talk it through with a professional and remember it’s not you who’s at fault. If you feel like it is a relationship worth saving and you want to spend your life with this person, definitely strive to find common ground!
Do you identify with any of these on the list or have more to add? Please share your stories with us at hello@thesoothe.co. For other relationship-related articles such as how to practice cultural sensitivity, how young couples keep the spark alive during the pandemic, and advice for healthy, long-lasting relationships, visit The Soothe.
*Disclaimer:
This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
About Claire Leong
Claire Leong is a counsellor in Singapore. It is her mission to journey with clients to have a deeper understanding of themselves so that they may learn to tap on or build new strengths to achieve their life goals. Claire has a passion for helping others to overcome life’s many challenges to live life to the fullest. Claire works with youths, adults, couples, and families. She is also trained in Prepare/Enrich premarital and marital counselling.
