How to say no to coffee dates
When you are too shy to say no but need to create boundaries and balance in life
Text: Shannon T
Opening your inbox and suddenly feel like the most popular person on Earth? That’s understandable. Don’t be too quick to add that invite to your calendar though. Agreeing to coffee dates on a whim could take a toll on every other aspect of your life.
If you face difficulty turning down that work acquaintance, high school classmate or ex-colleague, this one’s for you. Learning how to say no is an important skill to achieve a healthy balance in your life. Read on to find out how you can do that, without coming off as offending or self-centred.
Identify your purpose
Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. There’s never a better time than now to reflect on what is most important to you. Think about the life that you want to have when you jump back into your old routine. You can start by asking yourself a few key questions:
What do you miss most from the time before COVID-19?
What do you want to leave behind as you re-establish your routine?
When you have a clear sense of purpose and autonomy over your life, you’ll feel empowered and less likely to lose sight of your priorities. This will also help you better manage your emotions in the face of adversity, or in this case, when handling a coffee invite that you don’t really want to go.
What do you really want?
Start thinking about everything that has taken place during this time and get to the crux of what you really want. Ask yourself this: If you had one year left to live, how would you spend your time?
Think about how you allocate your time and energy in the various aspects of your life, including health, family, relationships, career, community, spirituality, or even your contributions to the world at large. Then, set specific goals and objectives for each one of them. Be precise with this.
Now, look at the invites in your inbox again. How much time can you realistically allocate to that work-related meet-up before it spills over to the time you’ve set aside for other areas? Keep in mind that you’re not just spending time, you’re also cashing in on your emotional balance. Ask yourself if it feels meaningful or productive enough for you to be cancelling plans with a loved one or setting aside your favourite hobby. Simplify your decision-making by sketching out a decision tree or utilize the Eisenhower Matrix to help sort your thoughts.
Social anxiety
Are your social worries hindering you from heading in the direction you want to go? Despite setting plans and writing them down with much resolution, we may fall off the ball some days or even veer off in a different direction due to our social anxieties and tendency to compare our situations with the people around us (often in a negative way).
If making plans with others and then fulfilling them is making you feel anxious, or if you’re acutely self-conscious and can’t help overthinking after a get-together, try easing your stress by working on your social worries. Cognitive behavioural therapy is one method that may help relief social anxiety disorder.
Be there and be yourself
Be present during the meet-up and focus on what the person you’re grabbing coffee with is saying, instead of imagining what that person might think about you. What you imagine is likely to be distorted when you’re socially anxious. Don’t worry too much about looking perfectly polished — that can be intimidating for some — and just be yourself. Blunders can be endearing too!
Make saying “no” easier for yourself
If you’re ready to stop dishing out insincere yes’s, here’s some tips on saying no. It takes courage to reach out to someone, so it’s only right that you don’t hurt any feelings.
Make a template email that can be tweaked to fit the situation so you don’t have to stress over every new invite you need to reject.
Acknowledge the other person, and be careful not to make it only about you being busy.
Be sincere and kind with your words.
Validate their invitation and express your preferences honestly.
Offer a nice alternative like an email introduction, a better time to chat, or simple well-wishes.
Suggest alternative ways to connect
Besides offering a different time to chat, you can also think of other ways to connect that requires less energy, time or suits your preferences better. Phone calls and zoom sessions are some great alternatives to help you connect more effortlessly while conveying the same (or more) enthusiasm and sincerity you would give face-to-face.
