Quit being a pushover: Stop people pleasing & learn how to say no
Let go of insecurities — it’s time to stop pleasing others and put yourself first for happiness, kindness and mental health
Text: Jo
Being nice is a great personality trait. But being a little too nice can be bad for your mental health and can seriously impact your wellbeing. If you find your good-natured-self bending over backwards for others, saying yes when you want to say no, taking on tasks you don’t want to do, and you feel it’s crucial that everyone (even strangers) likes you, you could be a people pleaser who’d benefit from learning to say no and putting yourself first.
“People pleasing is a desire to make others happy, even if it means taking the person’s own valuable time or resources away from them,” explains Elizabeth Ho, a psychologist and certified traumatologist. Signs of being a people pleaser (or the less-friendly term, a pushover) are revealed in numerous ways: pretending to agree with everyone (“I love durian!”); apologising often (“sorry – totally my fault!”); having a packed schedule (“of course I can pick you up at midnight!”); and feeling responsible for how other people feel (“did I upset Deborah last night?”). Studies have shown that people even eat more when they think it will please others, despite them not wanting to.
It can look like kindness. It can feel like generosity. It can smell of desperation. But underneath lies something much deeper. “People pleasers often act the way they do and yearn for validation because of insecurities and a lack of self-esteem,” says Elizabeth, who adds that it’s a personality trait that inflicts females more than males. “It tends to be learned by women in childhood: girls are raised to do as they are told and to put the needs of others ahead of their own.”
“Ten is when we learn how to be good girls and boys,” writes bestselling author Glennon Doyle in her memoir, Untamed. She goes on to share a story about her 17-year-old son. He and his teenage friends were watching TV at her house. When she asked if anyone was hungry, the boys all said yes without a second thought. The girls eyed each other nervously before one spoke for them all: “We’re fine, thank you.” Says Doyle, “The boys checked inside themselves. The girls checked outside themselves. We (women) forgot how to know ourselves when we learned how to please.”
Damaging your mental health
Sometimes, going that extra mile for someone is no biggie. Being obliging can lead to fantastic experiences you perhaps wouldn’t have. But when you need praise to feel good about yourself, prefer to stay silent rather than speaking up, or are angry and resentful about what you’re doing, you could be risking your health and wellbeing.
“Allowing others to take advantage of you can erode your sense of integrity and you can start feeling bad about yourself,” says Elizabeth. “The internal negativity energy can cause stress and burnout, sleep problems and anxiety issues which in turn can damage your work and relationships.”
You need to stop being a pushover and take back control. This is easier said than done, especially when you have people pleasing at heart, but it is possible. Here’s how:
Pause and consider why you are a people pleaser. Why do you put yourself at the bottom of your own priority list? Why does it feel hard to say no? If it’s not to be loved or accepted, why else would you risk your own health and happiness? It’s time to love yourself. Start with some self-care here
Get out of your people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. “Express your opinion about something simple. Take a stand for something you believe in. Each small step will lead you to more self-confidence,” says Elizabeth
Bide your time. When we’re asked to do something, we tend to agree in the moment out of obligation or a fear of letting someone down. But asking for some time before you answer provides space to sit with your decision first
Set boundaries. If you do agree to help out, limit your time frame. Says Elizabeth, “Let the person know that you’re only available from 9am to 11am, or that you can only assist in a few days’ time when you’re less busy.”
Skip the explanations. It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone but doing so gives the other person the opportunity to try and change your mind. Say no, you can’t do that …and leave it there #awkwardsilence
Stay authentic. Connect with who you are and what you value. Second-guessing how others want you to be is exhausting (and silly!)
Many people-pleasers tend to focus on negativity, so stop this by keeping a journal to remind you of the times you have stood your ground successfully. Going over these moments will lift your spirits and propel you to continue on
Psychologist and certified traumatologist Elizabeth Ho can be contacted here.
