How long should sex really last? An investigation into intimacy
Find out the average duration of sex as we delve into the sex life of others
Text: Jo
Asking how long should sex last is like asking how long is a piece of string. There is no clear answer, it totally depends on the couple and the circumstances. Nonetheless, what you will find are studies that reveal how long sex should last to be deemed “adequate”, and what time frame of sex could be a cause for concern due to potential underlying health issues.
Whether it be a lengthy and languid session or a snappy and spicy encounter, what needs to be determined before we get down to the nitty-gritty is what exactly is sex? “When we refer to having sex, we are usually referring to sexual intercourse or penetrative sex,” explains Dr Rebecca Daly of International Medical Clinic in Singapore.
However, she is quick to add that “sex encompasses a range of activities such as using words or touch to give arousal.” The consensus appears to be that it can be defined in several ways, but most medical studies calculate duration based on penetration through to male orgasm.
Sex with a time frame
Cultural norms, peer pressure, guidelines from medical professionals, what we see on social media and so much more all influence our sexual expectations and how long we think it should last. (If at all — some couples enjoy a sexless relationship). Above all, intimacy should be consensual and enjoyable and not about looking at a clock (unless you’re somewhere you shouldn’t be, but that’s another matter).
Whatever your time frame for how long should sex last, intercourse brings many health benefits including boosting immunity, reducing cortisol (the stress hormone), encouraging better sleep (due to the relaxation hormone oxytocin), and one study from the University of Pavia in Italy found that intercourse encourages nerve growth, which in turn makes us perkier in general.
As with many things sex-related, it isn’t easy to get good data on how long the average person spends doing it. In a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, couples therapists estimated the ideal duration of procreation. The conclusion was “anywhere from seven to 15 minutes, with two minutes being too short, and anywhere from ten to 30 minutes too long.”
lasting 3–7 minutes is “adequate”
lasting 7–13 minutes is “desirable”
lasting 10–30 minutes is “too long”
It’s important to note that sex that lasts under three minutes may not only be a waste of a bikini wax, but it could warrant clinical concern. What causes this can vary, from illness and latent emotional issues to physical pain and sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation. “When ejaculation occurs typically in less than two minutes, it’s known as premature ejaculation (PE). If it’s been happening for an extended period of time it may be advisable to see a doctor,” says Dr Daly. “PE can be caused by depression or stress, so it’s worth speaking to a professional to rule out any medical issues. In many cases, it is not a lasting condition.”
How to make sex last longer
It's no secret that many men have an easier time reaching orgasm than many women, but if the fun has ended for you before it’s begun, you can take action.
General measures to increase sexual stamina in the bedroom include keeping physically fit with regular exercise and quitting smoking. Avoiding large meals or excessive alcohol before a session can improve endurance, and some sexual positions can delay ejaculation, such as spooning or the woman on top.
For a person with a penis, there are perhaps few things more disappointing in life than premature ejaculation. The good news is that this is a common issue, and it can be abated using various techniques. “Moments before ejaculation, squeeze the head of the penis for 10 – 20 seconds until the impulse to ejaculate passes. Wait 30 seconds before returning to stimulation. The penis may become less erect afterwards, but this is normal. This can be done several times before ejaculation feels right,” says Dr Daly.
What if sex lasts too long?
It’s not just Lionel Richie who champions intimacy All Night Long. Endless songs lean towards lengthy sessions of making love, but who really has time when you haven’t finished watching It’s Okay to Not be Okay and the hoover needs emptying? While trying to make sexual intercourse faster is not such a common dilemma, it can be necessary. “Sex can last too long if there’s a medical history of high blood pressure, diabetes, allergies, and as a result of taking certain medications,” explains Dr Daly. “Delayed ejaculation could also be the cause, and while it can feel frustrating and embarrassing, your doctor will be able to offer help.”
Always stop intercourse if it becomes painful or sore. “Lubrication can help to quicken the pace and reduce feelings of discomfort, and different positions can also do the trick to speed things up.”
Ultimately, the best way to have the sex life that you want is through communication. Show or discuss with your partner what feels good and satisfying for both of you. Sexual problems only arise when a couples’ preferences are mismatched, so talk about how long intimacy should last, the type of contraception you feel comfortable with, and what works for you sexually, and structure encounters around that. And before you start blaming ‘your bits’, Dr Daly confirms that “the often-used cliché is true: it’s not about size, it’s what you do with it that matters.”
At the end of the day, how long should sex last varies from relationship to relationship. Sex isn’t a race and shouldn’t be about a finish line — it should be all about the journey together and the happiness and comfort of those taking part.
About Dr Rebecca Daly
Dr Rebecca Daly is a UK-trained doctor based at the International Medical Clinic (IMC) Katong. She has an interest in women’s health and sexual health, having completed the Diploma of Obstetrics and Gynaecology (UK) in 2006 and the Diploma of Sexual and Reproductive Health (UK) 2009.
