Forget love language, what is your support language?

Understand your support language to gain emotional support, words of encouragement and acknowledgement in your life

Text: Shannon T

You may be familiar with the term ‘love language', but what about support language? There are times when we feel like we’re all alone in this world, but it could be that our loved ones simply don’t know what kind of emotional support, words of encouragement and acknowledgement we are looking for.

Support language refers to the ways we feel supported, much like how love languages work. Some of us seek physical support like gifts and physical actions, while others may prefer a high emotional quotient and encouraging words. Read on to see why it is often misplaced and how we can learn to be better supporters (and received better support!) just by grasping the concept.

We don’t communicate what we want

According to psychological astrologer Jennifer Freed, people are not necessarily lacking in support, encouragement and acknowledgement from one another. Comparing findings and giving support is a two-way street; she tells us that being unaware of how to communicate the kind of support we need also means we don’t know how to give support to the people we love and care for. While we can learn about love languages through self-help books and articles, there is not so much info out there on the ways we can support one another as friends, family, work colleagues, or lovers.

We assume too much (instead of asking!)

Our tendency to assume is a hurdle that stands between us and effectively giving and receiving emotional support, words of encouragement and acknowledgement. “Our support languages, which are a lot like our love languages, are nuanced,” says Freed. “It’s important to remove the guesswork from figuring out the best ways to support one another.” Even with the best intentions, there is a chance that we will miss the mark when assuming that people automatically know what we need, or when we assume everyone wants to be supported in the same way.

Identifying your support language

By getting her clients to share about how they feel most supported by others, Freed discovered that most of them had never given it much thought. There was never any communication between them and their loved ones about each other’s support needs, and they had little clue that the people around them sought support from them.

While getting them to share the moments where they felt most unsupported, Freed found that what people want most is to be understood and encouraged. While this may appear quite simple, its actually more complex than just a pat on the back. Human beings are complex and each of us have a specific map of what we experience as support.

The four elements of support

If you’re still unsure where to start, Freed suggests adopting the four elements — fire, earth, air and water — for a clearer idea of the different forms of support language. Read the below elements to see which one you most identify with:

Fire: Expressing support through action and bold demonstrations

·      Showing physical support such as actions and gifts, and not just offering words

·      Physical presence is key. Be there for me when you say you will

·      Be truthful with me. I want you to share your feelings honestly and thoughtfully

·      Acknowledge my accomplishments and celebrate me with enthusiasm and special rituals

Earth: Expressing support through conscious and consistent effort

·      Doing chores — both small and big — without being asked or needing to be cheered on

·      Giving thoughtful gifts that will best support my endeavours

·      Embrace me with patience, and accept me when I am dealing with negative emotions or problems

·      Be dependable and consistent with your affections and actions

Air: Expressing support through words and communication

·      Give me words of affirmation and acknowledgment regularly

·      Be actively curious and interested in my beliefs, thoughts and ideas

·      When I am upset or in a bad spot, take deep breaths with me to help me recover

·      Be willing to disagree with me in a respectful way. There is always a common ground we can agree upon

Water: Expressing emotional support through genuine feelings

·      Be a safe space for me to share my deep feelings and sensitivities

·      Validate my concerns and treat my issues with empathy and compassion

·      Be present and attentive when we are together

·      Trust that I will be okay even when I am in a dark place. Give me space

 By reflecting upon your support needs and finding yourself within one of these four matrices, you can have a clear idea about your own support language. Supporting others becomes easier when you know exactly what matters to them, and there is nothing more satisfying than your support being well received.

Do also note that your requirements for emotional support, words of encouragement and acknowledgement may change based on your environment. The support you hope to receive from a family member is likely to differ from what you hope to get from a work colleague. At the end of the day, clear communication is still the key to creating happier and healthier relationships for all.

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