What are the signs of emotional abuse in a relationship?
Loving relationships do not include toxic behaviour and mental torture. Read on for clarification on what emotional abuse in a relationsip is about
Text: Jo
Netflix hit Bling Empire has provided us with a joyous insight into many new things. For example, what it’s like close down LA’s famous Rodeo Drive so you can throw a Chinese New Year Party. Or how you might dress if you’re a direct descendant of the Song dynasty. But along with the glitz and glamour, the show dubbed as the reality TV version of the Crazy Rich Asians movie uncovers a much more serious takeaway: that the mental health issue of emotional abuse in a relationship is real. We need to start opening up about the signs of emotional abuse and having a conversation about it.
Bling Empire follows the lavish world of a group of extremely wealthy Asians living their best lives in LA. Thirty five-year old Kelly Mi Li is a clever girl with a fortune that has been built on founding and investing in tech start-ups, as well as ventures in talent management, merchandising, real estate and film production. Her partner in the show, Andrew Gray, is a 33-year-old actor also known as the red power ranger in Power Rangers Megaforce.
At points, their relationship makes for uncomfortable viewing which starts in the very first episode. On an overseas trip, Kelly leaves Andrew sleeping off his jetlag in their hotel room while she goes shopping. He reacts to this over the phone with an alarming amount of anger. Screaming down the line, the tirade of aggression he pours on Kelly is hard to watch. She claims that this is “normal behaviour” and when confronted on his actions Andrew calmly admits “I exploded like a volcano”.
Viewers were left not only shocked, but questioning whether they’d just witnessed an example of emotional abuse in a relationship.
What is abusive behaviour?
“Emotional abuse is anything said or done to someone intentionally and repeatedly by someone in a relationship with the purpose of control,” explains Maria Ludeke, director, counsellor, psychotherapist and executive coach at Aspire Counselling. “One isolated incident doesn’t necessarily constitute emotional abuse (there are times when anger gets the best of people and they say things they really, truly don't mean and hurt their partner’s feelings), but when there is a pattern of it occurring, that’s when the problem begins.”
Emotional abuse is not gender specific; both men and women can be the perpetrator and the victim. “Perpetrators usually have low self-confidence and fear of rejection and loss, therefore resort to emotional abuse to control and limit their chances of being rejected or ‘left’,” says Maria.
There are few signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:
● Bullying - intentionally saying/doing things that are hurtful to you
● Gaslighting - creating a narrative that causes you to doubt yourself — your thoughts, feelings, sanity — by manipulating and twisting the truth. Making you feel your sense of reality is not true
● Puts downs - blaming, name calling, publicly humiliating and embarrassing you
● Rejection - rejection of your ideas, thoughts, opinions and feelings
● Verbal abuse - swearing at, insulting and yelling at you
● Financial abuse - cutting off finances or means to access finances in order to control, isolate, or prevent you from doing things you want/usually do
● Intimidation - intentionally being aggressive or threatening in order to cause fear and mental torture
● Isolation - cutting off freedoms, preventing you from seeing/talking to friends/family/co-workers in order to prevent connection with others. This can also extend to preventing you from engaging in passions/hobbies/interests
The problem is that emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognise. Unlike physical abuse, the signs of emotional abuse can be subtle. Says Maria, “No-one would want to stick with someone who does this, but emotional abuse, like most abuse, begins small. Most perpetrators can be very loving, charming and attentive when they are not abusive, which lures victims into feeling special and cherished.”
Anxiety and uncertainty
Emotional abuse evolves over time and usually starts off as “small” things. As it grows it becomes normalised within the relationship and how the couple interact. “The abused person starts to doubt the reality of situations,” Maria says. “They may feel the need to document conversations or situations as they feel so uncertain. They can have a loss of self-confidence, feel isolated and alone.”
People in emotionally abusive relationships live with a constant anxiety and uncertainty of what may set their partner off, which can feel like a form of mental torture. It can impact all areas of their life from social, romantic and work settings. They can have sleep issues, confusion, difficulty concentrating, and they may withdraw socially. Indeed, according to one study, severe emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse.
What’s devastating is that those who are in any type of abusive relationship can often feel embarrassed, so it can be challenging for them to confront it and take steps to extricate themselves. “First, acknowledging their strength and competence is important since that’s something they probably aren’t getting from their abusive partner,” suggests Maria. “Talking about the traits of a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with them — and then getting them to reflect on their own — may allow them to come to terms with how toxic their relationship functions in contrast.”
If you are in a relationship where there are signs of emotional abuse, first make sure you feel safe and have a safe space to go to if needed. Says Maria, “Have a conversation with your partner about the parameters of a healthy, loving and supportive relationship and ask them to respect those boundaries in no uncertain terms. If your partner is not able to respect those boundaries, ending the relationship and/or seeking professional help are the most useful options.”
Where Kelly and Andrew’s relationship is at this point is ambiguous, but there are reports that both have sought mental health therapy. Speaking to Women’s Health last week Kelly said, “I hope that by sharing my experience, more people will be open to therapy and that it'll help remove the stigma of seeking professional help for your mental health worldwide, but especially in the Asian community. I pray for peace and healing.”
If you, or someone you know needs to get support and advice about emotional abuse in relationships, please speak to a qualified mental health professional either alone or as a couple, or one of Singapore’s public mental health institutions. For further help, try:
● The National CARE hotline: 1800-202-6868
● PAVE: Tel +65 6555 0390 | Fax +65 6552 5290 Email: intake@pave.org.sg
● AWARE: 1800 777 5555
