Chinese New Year 2021: A cultural differences guide for partners & friends
Because nobody wants to make an enemy of your dad’s second brother’s wife, here’s how to show respect and understand the cultural practices and traditions of CNY
Text: Tiff H
Singapore is famed for being a melting pot of culture diversity and is proud of its intercultural, interethnic and interracial identity. Whether you’re in an interracial relationship, or are lucky enough to be invited to a local home during this Chinese New Year 2021, it’s important to be mindful of the do’s and don’ts of CNY so you can be prepared to show respect and be aware of any cultural differences.
As we gear up to the celebrations, Vanessa Heng, a clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology shares how to navigate oranges, language barriers, mothers-in-law, and more.
What do you think are the main challenges between interracial couples at Chinese New Year?
Subtle or overt racism and/or disapproval
Whether it’s Chinese New Year or not, interracial couples often experience stereotypes and/or racism which might come in the form of overt expressions of disapproval or subtle jokes. These may be expressed by partners themselves, families, and/or the public. For example, partners may hold a certain belief of their partner’s race and make jokes of a practice or attempt to be cautious or considerate about an assumed way of living. Such implicit and overt stereotypes and racism may cause a strain to relationships over time, particularly if it involves the partners and the families.
Different beliefs, values, and religion
When two people with different beliefs, values and religions come together to form a new family unit, they experience cultural challenges, including the loss or dilution of identity, and conflicts arising from differences in fundamental beliefs. These clashes may evoke resentment as the parties might feel that their culture is being rejected — or attacked — when the other partner is unable to comprehend or refuses to follow their customs or traditions.
A language barrier with partner’s inner circle
Meeting a partner’s family and friends is nerve-wracking for anyone. For interracial couples with parents who do not share a common language, this experience becomes a lot more daunting as language is a fundamental component of communication. Without a common language, partners might feel alienated, frustrated, and innocuous questions or behaviours might lead to deep misunderstandings.
Please share your top three pieces of advice for interracial couples ...
1. Acknowledge and understand that both parties come from different upbringing and background. We might choose to ignore the differences that our partners and ourselves possess, especially if these are difficult or unpleasant subjects to broach. Often, when we’re focused on believing we are similar, we dismiss the subtleties of how culture differences (e.g traditions, practices, beliefs) are intertwined in the way we perceive the world and our behaviours. Thus, as in all interactions and relationships, while it is important to focus on the commonalities, it is equally important to be cognisant and accepting of the differences in beliefs and views.
2. Have respectful open communication about the differences. Communicating about differences in values is something that most couples experience and sometimes struggle with. Interracial couples have another layer of needing to communicate cultural differences. However, these complexities can be mediated and overcome successfully with respectful and open communication to find common ground for both parties. TIP: Using “we” in conversations may foster a sense of togetherness and commitment.
3. Be curious about the difference in upbringing and beliefs. Being genuinely curious about your partner’s culture, without assumption and judgement, is vital for intimacy. This ties in with an understanding that different families, ethnic groups and cultural backgrounds have different and unique practices, and upbringing has contributed to your partner’s beliefs, perspectives, and worldview. When we ask questions without judgement, we are communicating to our partner that we are curious about learning his or her beliefs, perspectives and views. Thereby, we are making our partner feel safe and willing to share and include you in his or her life.
Are there any Chinese practices or traditions that might be hard for someone of another culture to take on board?
Rather than engage in pleasantries such as “how are you doing?” as is common in Western cultures, those of a Chinese culture are more likely to jump straight into conversations upon meeting. As a result, communication might appear abrupt and rude to western partners. Chinese people also generally value direct and straightforward communication styles, viewing such styles as ‘sincere’; it is meant to reduce the social distance between persons.
Also, as is typical in older Chinese adults, opinions are often freely shared and given bluntly without the need to build or develop much of a relationship. While this usually stems from a position of care and concern, it may come across as rude to individuals who did not grow up with such behaviours (and even for those who did!). Religious beliefs and practices might not be congruent with traditional Chinese practices. For example, in the context of Chinese New Year, gambling and drinking alcohol are common behaviours that might not be welcomed by other cultures or religions, which might increase discomfort and evoke emotions from your partner.
What’s your top advice for someone not of a Chinese background when celebrating CNY with a Chinese family?
1. Have a discussion about your family dynamics and your family’s practices and traditions of Chinese New Year. For example, going through the flow of Chinese New Year greetings, ceremonies, and/or prayers (if any) may help your non-Chinese partner or friends to picture what CNY looks like for you and your family. If you’re in a couple, it would also be beneficial to openly discuss what both of you are thinking and how you feel about the traditions.
2. If another language is spoken (e.g if the primary language is Mandarin) in the family, learning basic phrases (e.g hello, how are you, nice to meet you) or mandarin Chinese New Year greetings (e.g happy new year 新年快乐 [xīn nián kuài lè], wishing you good health 身体健康 [shēn tǐ jiàn kāng], may everything go well for you 万事如 意 [wàn shì rú yì]) might forge a sense of closeness and, most importantly, portray your sincerity. Practices vary so be sure to check.
3. Participate in their traditions and attend places of worship if you are comfortable. For example, giving mandarin oranges to the elders of the family will be appreciated by the family.
4. Enjoy yourself! Being able to embrace different cultures and practices is a privilege — embrace the opportunities, learn from them, and let’s celebrate diversity respectfully together.
About Vanessa Heng
Vanessa is a clinical psychologist practising in Singapore. She is accredited by the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency (AHPRA) as a provisional psychologist and a member of the APS College of Clinical Psychologists. She is working towards full registration with the Singapore Register of Psychologists (SRP). Experienced in working with individuals across the lifespan (children, adolescents, and adults), Vanessa emphasises on establishing a strong therapeutic alliance and adopts a collaborative and client-centred approach.
