How to speak to family about mental health
Get support and understanding from those closest to you
Text: Sam Y
Picture this. You’ve just completed a session at your therapist’s office, relief flooding through you as you finally have a name to the mental health condition that has been plaguing you for months, maybe years. A last, you know why it’s been so difficult to feel happy or why you’ve constantly feeling nervous, and you can embark on treatment to help you get back on track. But then the euphoria comes crashing down. How do you tell your family?
In one of the latest nationwide studies conducted by the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), it was revealed that one in seven people in Singapore had experienced a mental disorder in their lifetime. Yet despite the high figures, mental health in Singapore still face stigma in their families, and speaking out to them for understanding and support can be tough.
Why is it difficult to speak up?
“Some of my clients experience frustration, disconnection and isolation because their family members do not understand mental health issues and respond in ways that may be invalidating,” confirms Carolyn Kee, Consultant Psychologist at Reconnect Psychology & Family Therapy. “Examples of such responses include ‘We all have problems, you just have to push through’, or ‘Why can't you be like other people? You're not trying hard enough’. These responses can be very upsetting to a sufferer.”
Megan Tang, Case Specialist at non-profit organisation Limitless who deals with mental health problems faced by young people in Singapore says, “Parents today didn’t have the same opportunities to be educated on mental wellbeing as younger generations have now. As a result, they may respond in ways that are unhelpful and damaging, bringing about another layer of hardship for those in need of professional help.” She continues, “Young people especially may feel helpless and turn to unhealthy help-seeking behaviour like self-harm or aggression, which is then wrongly labelled as attention-seeking.”
How to start the conversation
So, how can you start a conversation with your family or even your partner if you don’t know how they’ll react? Megan recommends starting slow and asking their views on mental health to get the ball rolling. Don’t be afraid to approach a professional who can help guide you and give you the support you need to speak to loved ones.
Carolyn highlights a few considerations to keep in mind. “It may be easier to speak to one family member at a time,” says Carolyn. “This allows you to have more opportunity and space to explain your condition and situation. It is easier than managing many questions and views from several people at one time.” You may want to begin with a family member who is more open, empathic and willing to listen. Even better if they have some prior understanding of mental health issues.
Also consider the time, place and context in which to speak out. “Choose a quiet, private and conducive environment where you feel comfortable sharing something personal,” Carolyn says. “Ensure there is sufficient time for you to explain how you’re feeling clearly without rushing.”
Throughout the conversation, take ownership of your feelings and challenges by using the statement “I” instead of “you”. For example, rather than saying “You don't understand me," say, "I feel sad that I let people down when I’m having difficulties." Be as clear as possible with your explanations (tricky, we know, when you may not understand them yourself). For example, replace saying "I am tired all the time" by explaining that despite sleeping several hours a day, your body still finds it hard to move.
What family can do to help
Respect, compassion and empathy from family can go a long way. It’s paramount that your nearest and dearest validate the experiences of those suffering from mental health issues, allowing them to go through difficult feelings in their own way.
If you’re learning to cope with a loved one who is suffering, Carolyn urges you to resist the need to suppress their negative emotions (e.g. "don't cry, it's not so bad, there are many good things in your life"). Also, stepping into the shoes of the ‘rescuer’ can also be detrimental. “Try to avoid phrases such as, ‘Just tell me what you need, I will do whatever you want.’ And avoid offering graceless solutions like, ‘You just have to exercise more’.”
Megan agrees. “Do not give unsolicited advice. Instead, try to normalise the situation so they don’t feel out of place.
Ultimately, the best thing you can do is educate yourself on mental health conditions so you’re armed with information and confidence on how to be there with compassion and kindness. “Be available to the person and show concern, but give the sufferer the autonomy to initiate and decline offers of assistance, without taking it personally,” Carolyn says.
Above all, don’t hesitate to reach out to mental health professionals for advice on how you can offer and show solidarity as a family unit together — and most vitally — love.
