How to rise above resentment during a pandemic
Spluttered the words ‘That’s so unfair’ lately? Here’s how to practice anger management and forgiveness to beat underlying anger and budge that grudge
Text: Jo
It’s fair to say that emotions are running high. All around the world people are having a right old time of it. We’re suffering the pain of losing loved ones. We’re battling to maintain our jobs, money and minds. We’re forfeiting experiences, celebrations and special moments due to Covid-19. It’s no surprise that many of us are angry and — above all — resentful.
The wedding you can no longer have as planned. The boss who fired you. The unequal amount of childcare you’re doing. The people you don’t even know grinning inanely at you from social media platforms as if nothing weird is happening.
#FirstWorldFeelings? Yes. And also, perfectly viable. But many of us are experiencing negative sentiments right now that are in danger of festering, evolving into grudges and causing a whole host of health problems.
“Resentment triggers our stress response (or fight or flight response) and causes harm to us just like any other negative emotion,” explains Karyen Chai, Communications Chair at Singapore Psychological Society and psychologist at Cog+ and The Therapy Platform. If we endure it for a prolonged period, it can deplete our energy levels, damage our immune system and nervous system, and cause ailments such as headaches and stomach pain.”
What is resentment?
When you look at our emotional spectrum, you can split our feelings into positive and negative categories. Resentment positions itself firmly in the negative category (along with ugly bedfellows jealously, hate, shame, and so on) and our bodies are simply not designed to hold onto negative emotions.
“What leads to resentment is the perception of injustice,” says Karyen. “It’s the feeling that derives directly from a situation in which you believe that you’ve been treated poorly — a feeling of ‘unfairness’.”
It’s not usually an instantaneous emotion. Rather, it builds up and reveal itself in feelings such as anger and umbrage that linger after an incident. It can be caused by a system, a situation or even a person or event not known personally. It just kind of creeps up on you, like a murky undercurrent.
The reason why it is so prevalent now is, according to Karyen, as a result of the world’s unpredictable circumstances. “The pandemic has suddenly challenged people’s individual perceptions of what is unfair in life. Everything has been thrown into the air, and the views we once had have become disoriented. We’ve all had to adapt to change, and that can make us feel upset, unstable or angry.”
Why is letting go necessary?
Beyond harming your physical health, remaining in a prolonged negative frame of mind can seriously impact your mental health, too. Such is its power, it may trigger changes in your personality. Says Karyen, “When we feel a strong sense of unfairness, we can start to ‘act out’ in different ways as a bid to ‘rebalance the scale’. For example, if you feel your co-worker has treated you badly, you may start treating your partner badly ‘just because’.” (We’ve all been there, right?)
Why is moving on so hard?
Unfortunately, the more time you let negative emotions manifest, the more likely it is to turn into a full-blown grudge. It’s like a mental booby prize — you feel wronged so now you get a grudge. And then you’re really in trouble. A study by Emory University found that bitter people had higher blood pressure and were more likely to die from heart disease than more forgiving people.
It’s important to note that resentment can also become a habit. “Because it’s so prominent in your mind, it bleeds into everything,” says Karyen. “Your head can become so preoccupied with resentment that your whole being becomes saturated with vengeance and hostility.” This is great if you want to ditch your friends and family, but as supportive as they may be in the beginning, chances are they’ll eventually become tired of your woe-is-me narrative.
That’s not to say that feelings of resentment are not justifiable and valid, but if you want to move on with your life, you’ll have to start singing a different (slightly less grumpy) tune. Easier said than done? Here’s how:
5 ways to show resentment the red card
1. Face it
Pinpointing is step one of letting it go. “Many clients who come to see me don’t want to face up to resentment,” Karyen admits. “Usually, they tend to only see a problem with the other person or the situation, rather than looking at the bigger picture. It can be a hard emotion to admit to, so take time to focus on where it really stems from and why.”
2. Embrace the grudge
According to Sophie Hannah, author of How to Hold a Grudge, you’ve got to learn something from it. You can’t just let it hang out with you being annoying. Hannah insists you feel all your feelings and write them down. Then reflect on what you’ve learned from the experience — about life, about yourself, and how you react to situations. It’s likely your resentment has taught you a valuable lesson.
3. Ask what you can do
When you feel resentment ask: ‘What can I do? If there’s nothing I can do, how does my negativity serve me?’ If you feel your partner has been encroaching on your personal space now you both work from home, think about what you can do together to make the best of the situation. Stay positive and ask what is within your control. Focus on that.
4. And focus on you
Think about what you’re grateful for. "Practicing gratitude has a correlation with positive emotions," says Karyen, who recommends listing down what you’re thankful for each day. This can include stuff like having a roof over your head, a welcoming coffee shop around the corner, or that somebody once invented Gula Melaka ice-cream. “Practice gratitude daily so it becomes a positive reoccurring habit.”
5. Consider forgiveness
The act that disappointed or hurt you is not going to go away, but choosing to forgive will free you from the control of negative emotions. This doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the perceived unfairness you’ve experienced, but forgiveness does bring a kind of peace to move on. Surrounded by a pandemic. Mask fully intact. And wisdom and calm in your heart.
