Talking to yourself? Be BFF’s with the voice in your head

Give yourself a pep talk about self-talk. Self regulation can strengthen and support your mental wellbeing

Text: Jo

There is an old adage that suggests that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, so if the past year is anything to go by, we at The Soothe are all positively bonkers. With interaction with others at a minimum, we’ve all been spending more time than ever in solitude, but the self-talk in our head — our internal monologue — is as active as ever.

Self-talk is the name used for the constant voice in your head which runs throughout your brain during your waking life. “It’s that brain chatter that comments on everything that’s happening to and around us,” explains Helena Day, a certified coach and rapid transformational therapist in Singapore.

Tune in

On a day-to-day basis, many of us are not tuned into the internal dialogue and it often runs riot completely unchecked. Often the internal dialogue is anything but positive and you’re frequently telling yourself ‘bad things’. For example, you might note how you silently chide yourself because you look awful on a Zoom call or when you berate yourself for eating a biscuit.

However, there is good news. Research has shown that talking to yourself can make you feel better and instill a confidence that carries you through tough challenges — but you have to say the right words to save your sanity and for this to work. In addition, a new study last year revealed that simply talking to ourself using non–first-person-pronouns could help us to better cope with emotions and lead to success life — and it’s a process known as ‘distanced self-talk’.

“Most of us use the words ‘I’ in our internal chatter, for example; ‘I look awful’ or ‘I can’t stop eating’,” reveals Helena. “When we do this, it creates a sense of belonging to the self-dialogue — it becomes part of our identity — and unfortunately for women, it usually comes with negative connotations. Avoiding non–first-person-pronouns (‘I’) and using your own name or speaking in the third or second person (‘he’ and ‘she’) instead has been proven to help people perform better under stress, reason more wisely and help them get control of their emotions.”

Create awareness

Being aware enough of our inner dialogue and creating a distance from it is the first step to helping ourselves, but how? “When reflecting on a difficult or stressful experience, we need to try to see it from an outside perspective,” says Helena. She suggests noting destructive thoughts down to become more consciously aware of any frequency or pattern. 

Then you can make a conscious choice to start using more mindful, intentional and positive words, phrases and affirmations within your inner-dialogue. “Honouring your negative self-talk, choosing not to indulge in it, and then choosing a different response means you are taking responsibility. You’re empowering yourself rather than being a victim to what’s occurring.”

Here are Helena’s tips for training your mind for a more positive chit-chat:

Connection

Distanced self-talk does take practice and it begins with awareness. The first step is to connect yourself and ask why is it important for you to have a more positive inner dialogue? What impact will it have on your life? What about on others’ lives around you?

Take notice

Be aware of your internal monologue. You might have specific trigger events, people or places which spark specific thoughts. This can be quite confronting for people as they start to recognise how much of their day is taken up with negative monologue, but stick with it and know this is the first step in empowering yourself.

Reflection

Draw yourself a chart. For each of the repeating negative thoughts, write the positive opposite in the column opposite avoiding the use of non–first-person-pronouns. This shows that you have a choice to conduct a different conversation.

Catch it if you can

Try to catch yourself in the moment when the negative voice in your head arises; attempt to witness your thoughts and let them go. If you can catch it, take a breath, connect briefly to why you want to have a more positive inner dialogue, then try to make a different choice. Choosing something more positive, helpful and supportive that will enable you to have a more fulfilling life.

Whether in the midst of a pandemic or not, all of us crave to talk to someone who is smart, interesting, empathetic, and is on our side, and it’s possible to make that person you. Knowing ourselves and treating ourselves with kindness is one of the best things in life we can do.

About Helena Day

Helena offers private coaching and rapid transformational therapy for individuals and leads personal development programmes and workshops for both individuals and organisations. She brings together modalities such as coaching, hypnotherapy, somatic work, neurolinguistic programming and much more to produce rapid, lasting change for her clients. Find out more about Helena’s work here.

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