How we cope with grief
The Kübler-Ross model describes 5 stages of grief that helps us process our feelings and lead to healing
Text: Shannon T
Grief is no stranger to all of us at some point in our lives, whether its losing a loved one, missing out a promotion at work, ending a relationship or losing our freedom and the lifestyle as we used to know it due to the seemingly unending pandemic. While grief is a very personal process that doesn’t follow a standard timeline, a general cycle may be observed from the similar stages and orders of feelings experienced by people during grief.
The 5 stages of grief, also known as the Kübler-Ross model, was theorised by a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, in her book “On Death and Dying” that was written based on personal observations from years of working with terminally ill patients. The 5 stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Although each stage is labelled with a numerical order, individuals may experience the grief stages in different orders or skip certain stages entirely. This is because dealing with grief is a personal journey and as individual human beings, we cope in different ways. Understanding it however, can help hugely with healing and finally acceptance.
Stage 1. Denial
Despite knowing that life has its ups and downs, we’re never fully ready when grief strikes. It’s overwhelming, and it’s not unusual to respond by pretending that the loss or change is not happening. After the initial shock, the denial stage is a defence mechanism that numbs the intensity of the situation and helps us process and eventually come to terms with the situation. What usually follows after the denial stage will be the stronger emotions, such as anger or sorrow, that have been suppressed previously.
Examples of the denial stage:
“This can’t be happening”
“It’s fine, this will be over tomorrow”
“This isn’t happening to me. The results are wrong.”
Stage 2: Anger
Adjusting to a new reality creates emotional turmoil and discomfort. Some people use anger as an emotional outlet and a mask that is more socially acceptable than showing fear or weakness. This anger may be taken out at other people or even inanimate objects, even if the rational side of our brains know that they aren’t to blame for the situation. Note that the anger stage may not be in the form of outright fury or rage; it may be masked with feelings like bitterness or resentment. When the anger subsides, one will start thinking more rationally about the situation and face the emotions that have been masked and ignored thus far.
Examples of the anger stage
“I hate him! He’ll regret leaving me!”
“They did me wrong, I hope they fail.”
“This is all your fault!”
“Why can’t they handle this properly? They are so bad at their jobs!”
Stage 3: Bargaining
Feelings of vulnerable and helplessness may occur during grief, and it’s normal to want to find ways to regain control of the situation. This is the bargaining stage of grief, where one would find themselves thinking a lot about the “what ifs” and “if onlys”.
Religious individual may also try to make a deal or promise to a higher power in return for healing or relief from their grief and pain. Like the denial stage, bargaining is self-defence against intense emotions caused by grief and can help postpone sadness, confusion, or hurt.
Examples of the bargaining stage
“If only I had spent more time with her…”
“If only I told him about my feelings earlier…”
“If only we had gone to the doctor sooner...”
Stage 4: Depression
As we eventually come to terms with reality, we stop imagining impossible scenarios and running away from our emotions, allowing them to really set in. As our pain and grief begin to feel more “real”, we tend to pull inwards as a coping mechanism. We isolate ourselves, become less sociable and reach out less to others about our situation. Although feeling depressed is a very natural stage of grief, you may need to talk to a mental health expert if you find yourself stuck here and unable to move on. Check out our list of mental health professionals here.
Examples of the depression stage
“Why go on at all?”
“I don’t know how to go forward from here.”
“My life is all messed up, it’s all over.”
“What’s the point of living without her?”
Stage 5: Acceptance
Coming to a place of acceptance does not mean that you stop feeling the pain of loss. While you may not have completely moved on from what has happened and may still feel lingering feelings of sadness and regret, you are no longer resisting the reality of the situation and have come to understand what it means in your life now.
Examples of the acceptance stage
“I’ll miss her, but this was the best decision for us .”
“A chapter has ended, but a new one begins from here.”
“I am fortunate to have shared so many wonderful years with him, and he will always be in my memories.”
