What does it mean when you have a sex dream?
Dreaming of sex while you sleep may be freaky, but sex dreams are a way of helping you to make sense of life
Text: Jo
Is it just us, or has everyone been experiencing deep sleep and dreaming more than usual these past few months? You could blame it on pre-bed cheese consumption. You could blame it on the cycles of the moon. You could blame it on that thing called Covid. Despite research, we still know very little about the meaning of sex dreams and why they happen. However, many people believe that dreams — yes, even our sex dreams — are our way of helping us to make sense of life.
Dreaming of sex within our deep sleep cycle is normal and is thought to be our subconscious working through the last few days, even if sex has not been on your mind or schedule. About eight percent of nighttime slumber involves some sort of sauciness, according to a University of Montreal study, which cited sexual intercourse as the most common type of sex dream, followed by sexual propositions, kissing, fantasies and masturbation.
While many experts are still delving onto why sex dreams happen, others believe they do have a greater significance. Says Ian Wallace, author of The Top 100 Dreams: The Dreams That We All Have and What They Really Mean; “All dreams, even sex dreams, can be easily connected to things going on in your life, and every character in your dream represents a small snippet of your own personality.” If your dirty dreams are disturbing to you, or are happening too often, you may want to seek help from a mental health professional to help you to understand what’s going on. Otherwise, use your sex dreams to suss out more about yourself.
Sex with an ex-partner
When you are dreaming of sex with an ex, a situation in your current life is triggering an awareness of the qualities that you most associate with them, says Ian Wallace. Rather than wanting to run back into their arms, you’re using your ex to symbolise an awareness of these characteristics within yourself. They often appear while you sleep as a warning not to repeat past relationship patterns and to let go of old behaviours. In short, you’re being encouraged to connect with a higher level of your self-awareness.
Sex with someone you don’t like
What is this? A nightmare?! What does it mean when you are dreaming of sex with someone you wish you didn’t even know? Psychotherapist and author Tina B. Tessina says that sexual feelings can be sparked by a wide range of intense emotions, including rage. For this reason, dreaming of sex with someone you can’t bear could just be highlighting your feelings of disdain for the person . She also warns that it might be indicating some actual danger from this person in real life …
Sex with a co-worker
Don’t worry, you will be able to look Jason from Sales in the face again; dreaming of sex with a colleague doesn’t mean you’re hankering after a workplace frisson. “While you may not be attracted to the co-worker, there is some quality they possess that you want for yourself,” revealed Lauri Quinn Loewenberg, a professional dream analyst and author of Dream on It: Unlock Your Dreams, Change Your Life in Women’s Health magazine. Ask yourself what stands out about this co-worker to you. “Are they always on the ball? The tech head of the company? Or maybe the manager's favourite?” says Loewenberg.
Sex with a celebrity
According to Wallace, after bosses, celebrities are the most common headliners in our sex dreams, and women are twice as likely as men to dream about sex with a famous person. Even though a steamy session with Idris Elba or Jason Momoa may sound dreamy in a good way, it’s likely your psyche is just recognising a talent you have in common with the star.
A cheating partner
Stop where you are! Before you start cutting the pockets out of your partner’s shorts, dreaming of a cheating partner is likely to be based on your own relationship insecurities. “When you dream that your partner is having an affair, it may mean you’re losing faith in your own abilities or attractiveness,” explains Wallace. Time to start boosting your confidence …
You doing the cheating
Loewenberg told Healthline that most dreams involving cheating can be traced back to one of these three underlying issues: emotional dissatisfaction, sexual dissatisfaction or unresolved feelings about a past infidelity. “Dreams about infidelity can happen when there’s some unease about your sexual relationship,” she says. So, think about it in relation to your own life: are you having sex? Are you happy with the frequency of your sex life? Is there something new you want to try? Now, you have insight, you can communicate this to your partner.
Ultimately, it seems you don’t have to take your sex dreams too literally, but rather, use them to help you try to understand yourself and your needs better. Now, go to sleep!
