Narcissism uncovered: How to spot and deal with a narcissist
Narcissistic personality traits and signs of emotional abuse to look out for
Text: Tiff H
Narcissist. The word gets thrown around an awful lot whether you’re talking about someone in a negative manner; a boss who doesn’t listen or that friend whose Instagram feed is chock-full of selfies. But what does it actually mean to have a narcissistic personality? And how can you maintain a healthy and rewarding relationship if there’s one close to you in your life?
While the term ‘narcissist’ in popular use refers to someone who is self-obsessed, a true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a mental health condition. The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify. Some personality traits to look out for include:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
The belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
The need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitative behaviour
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
Demonstrations of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes
Gaslighting behaviour
A common way that narcissists interact with others is through the use of gaslighting. Hard to identify by definition, gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may twist the truth and push responsibility onto others, ultimately distorting the victim’s reality. “They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” says marriage and family therapist, Shirin Peykar. While self-doubt is one of the ways that narcissists can affect you, their behaviour can also cause confusion, lower your self-esteem, heighten anxiety and can ultimately lead to depression.
According to therapist Rebecca Weiler, narcissism is the demonstration of “extreme selfishness at the expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all”. Belinda Lau, counsellor and psychotherapist at The Lighthouse Counselling also highlights a lack of grasp on reality: “People who are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder tend to struggle between their imagined internal expectations and the external objective reality. So, it's very important to help narcissists to distinguish between what's in the self and what's objectively in the outside external world,” she says. “This is a challenge for every individual and more so for narcissists who tend to have a confusion of the internal representations and the external reality.”
Manage toxicity
While we may not have a psychiatrist or therapist’s expertise to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder in others, what we can do is manage any toxic behaviour that may be resulting from interactions with the person in question. It’s important to identify any narcissistic traits and empathise with where the behaviour is coming from, while also protecting yourself from any possible emotional strain.
“If you have a narcissist in your life, what you have to do is internally is not let them gaslight you,” says David M. Reiss, M.D., a psychiatrist who has specialised in narcissism for over 30 years. “Recognise that you understand reality more than they do, but that you're not their therapist or their teacher. Just protect yourself to make their behaviour less harmful to you.”
Here, Belinda shares a few more tips on how to deal with someone who has narcissistic tendencies:
Be aware of any attempts of emotional manipulation and remind yourself that you are not at fault
Set clear boundaries and make sure that there are consequences when these are crossed
Find a support system that understands the situation and also allows you to spend time within healthier relationships
Distance yourself as much as needed and cut off ties if the situation escalates and your mental or physical health has been affected
If you’re affected by a narcissist in your life, it may help to seek professional help. Find our list of recommended mental health professionals here. In the case of an emergency, the SOS (Samaritans of Singapore) operate a 24-hour helpline on 1800 221 4444.
