Toxic Positivity: Why hiding true emotions is not always healthy
Put on a brave face? Why false positivity is bad for your emotional health and being grumpy gets our vote
Text: Leila Louise Fitton
It's Okay to Not Be Okay is a Korean drama series on Netflix, and a saying we’re hearing more regularly, especially during this pandemic. We’re constantly being told to maintain a bright outlook, but experts are starting to worry that ‘putting on a brave face’ to hide internal pain may be causing us more harm than good. In fact, a term has been coined for this act entirely: Toxic Positivity.
‘I’m fine!’ According to experts, toxic positivity is "the excessive and ineffective overgeneralisation of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimisation, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience."
Forced to put on a brave face
Right now, most of us (but not all) are anxious and apprehensive about the future. Yet many of us are falling into the hands of toxic positivity and feel forced to put on a brave face when there are problems that clearly need addressing. "Our emotions contain information about something we care about," says Harvard psychologist, Susan David. " When we silence the human experience through repressed emotions and fall into a state of denial, we're perpetuating harmful patterns of unproductive coping mechanisms.”
Ignoring internal pain and adopting false positivity won't make our problems go away — we need to face them. It requires a lot of mental resources to fake happiness for long periods of time. Above all, pretending to be something you’re not can cause physical and emotional health problems such as anxiety, depression, low levels of self-worth, pent up anger and resentment and cardiovascular conditions. While it’s obviously important for our health and wellbeing to think happy thoughts, Susan warns that "when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be."
Draining mental energy means it’s difficult to problem-solve and engage in interpersonal relationships in the long run. Research around the world backs this up: Dieter Zapf from University of Frankfurt am Main supports this in his study, finding that faking your emotions continuously can lead to frustration, burnout and depression. Meanwhile, researchers from Munich’s Technische Universitaet have found that women in particular suffer from the expectation that they should constantly demonstrate happiness, which leads to emotional exhaustion and withdrawal.
Welcome The Grump
So, how do we reject toxic positivity and embrace 'The Grump'? Susan believes that if we understand the values that are being signalled by our emotions, it will help us to adapt. Journaling puts a language to these difficult emotions, deconstructs the uncomfortable ones, and once labelled, we can seek answers by turning awareness into action.
Susan continues, “Welcome the grumpiness when it comes by working towards a sense of balance in your life. Realise that you own your emotional health — it doesn't own you. Observe it with kindness and make the choice that is right for you instead of simply reacting.” She also recommends being vulnerable enough and ask for help. "Instead of bottling (holding it all in) or brooding (stewing in the emotion), try to unhook. Listen to what your anger is trying to tell you and move forward with clarity and focus. Everyone, including you, will benefit."
Lastly, we recommend diving into Just Feel: How to Be Stronger, Happier, Healthier and More by Mallika Chopra; a new book that highlights how mindfulness is not positivity. The activities Mallika writes about encourage us to embrace 'The Grump' in a healthy fashion by balancing emotions — not cancelling them — and making positive choices from there. Be aware that there are aspects of life that you can change, and some parts you cannot, and learn to be at peace with that.
