How to tell someone you have a problem with them
Top tips on approaching conflict without hurting any feelings
Text: Lynda W
While we humans are naturally social beings, living and interacting with other people on the daily basis means that conflicts are bound to happen at some point. Yet it’s a complex and uncomfortable process to have to tell another person — especially if its someone you’re close to and care about — that you have a problem with them.
Read on for tips on how to address the elephant in the room without compromising your relationship.
The best way to get your message across to the other person while focusing still having a good relationship with the other person, is to use the NLP technique of “I” message.
There are four main outcomes when you have a problem:
1. You want the situation to change
2. You’d like to ensure that similar situations don’t happen in the future
3. You want to preserve your relationship and rapport with the other person
4. You want to preserve the self-esteem of the other person
When you are the one with the problem, you need a problem-solving skill for yourself. This is the “I” message. To send an “I” message to the other person, we look at 3 key pieces of information:
Sensory-Specific Behaviour
Concrete Effects
Feeling State
Sensory-Specific Behaviour
Be very careful when describing sensory-specific behaviour so you don’t use judgments instead. A simple way to check whether or not your sensory-specific behaviour description is going to work is asking yourself, “Would the other person agree that this actually happened?”
Using universals like “always” & “never” will not get agreement from the other person and will come across defensive. Another area to avoid is guessing the person’s intention. “You purposely...” “You deliberately...” “You knew exactly what you were doing...”
These statements will spark a continued debate and aren’t helpful.
Concrete Effects
These need to be actual physical effects that the other person can agree with.
“When you didn’t show up to work, we were so worried we almost had a heart attack.”
This is unlikely to convince the other person of the problem.
“I spent 45 minutes calling people asking if they had seen you.”
This statement is much easier to accept and agree with as its based on facts. Sometimes there won’t be a concrete effect for you, so it’s okay to deliver your “I” message without the concrete effect.
Feeling State
What is the feeling you have as a result of the behaviour? This is the most important part of the “I” message. Saying something like, “I feel you are a self-centred prick” isn’t what we are seeking when describing our feelings.
“I feel you aren’t considering me.” Is also not a feeling state. It’s a belief. What we are looking for is a pure feeling that is happening inside of you.
“I feel sad.” This is a pure feeling state.
Here’s an easy way to check if you have a feeling state or a belief/opinion – put the word “that” after your feeling and if the sentence still makes sense, then it’s a belief or an opinion.
“I feel that you aren’t considering me.” This still makes sense, so it’s a belief.
“I feel that you are a self-centred prick.” This still makes sense, so it’s an opinion.
“I feel that sad.” This doesn’t make sense, so it’s a pure feeling.
Now to have a go at this. Choose a situation in your life where you have or had a problem and you want to deliver an “I” message to the other person. Use this formula to craft your “I” message: “When (sensory-specific behavior) happens, the result is (concrete effect) and I feel (feeling word)”
“When you don’t show up for a dinner I’ve arranged, I end up not being able to use the time I’ve put aside and I feel resentful and disrespected.”
It’s not always necessary to use the “feel” word. If you are speaking to someone who is more into facts than feelings), then you can rephrase the feeling part like this:
“When you don’t turn up for an appointment we’ve made, I end up not being able to use the time I’ve put aside and I resent it.”
Or
“I resent not being able to use the time I put aside for your appointment.”
In this example, the feeling came first, then the effect, and then the behaviour.
Offering solutions is not part of the “I” message. The goal is to offer the “I” message and see what the response is. There are 3 results that can occur.
The person apologizes or otherwise agrees with your message and rapport is restored. No one has a problem.
The other person disagrees that you have a real problem at all. This is a conflict of values and beliefs which needs further investigation.
The other person agrees that you have a problem and they have a problem of their own if you get what you want. This is a conflict of needs.
Use this technique next time you have an issue with someone and see how quickly you can resolve the situation in a calm and conducive way.
