Top 10 advice for healthy, long-lasting relationships

If you find yourself in need of some timely advice and reminders on relationships, here are 10 wise and practical tips to build strong, healthy relationships with your loved one

Text: Hui Yi Phua

credit: Priscilla Du Preez

Relationships are some of the most complex things we face as human beings. Which actually makes complete sense since it involves two separate, different people with varying beliefs, thoughts and backgrounds. It takes real work to maintain our relationships, many of us do it willingly because more often than not, these connections make an ineffable value and fulfilment to our life.

That being said, although we may understand that maintaining relationships require effort, many of us get busy with life and may lose our way, or even just get stuck in a rut. Over the last year, we’ve spoken to many professionals on relationship advice as well as researched online and here is what we have found to be the key themes to maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship. All situations and relationships are completely unique and different, so there is no one size fits all and manual to ‘life’, these are just the commons pointers and discussion points that come up regularly.

1.    Communicate effectively

The number 1 classic advice for relationships is effective communication. Many of us assume our partners know exactly what we want and what we like, especially for those who are in a long-term relationship. Well, the truth is, none of us can read minds. Proactively sharing our thoughts, opinions and feelings to our partners instead of expecting them to predict what we want, is one of the key ways to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship.

Clinical psychologist, Shelley Sommerfeldt, explains that communication is essential in relationships because it builds trust and connection.  In order for both parties to feel heard and understood, couples need to first create an environment that is safe, supportive, accepting, and loving so that both sides can really open up and be vulnerable in front of the other.

2.    Take time to nurture your relationship everyday

Sometimes when life sweeps us up in a bunch of activities, work and obligations, we tend to neglect our relationships by leaving it on the back burner and the bottom of the to-do list. While this may be inevitable at times, relationships don’t grow themselves – they need frequent doses of attention, love and care to blossom. Like watering a plant essentially, it isn’t going to water itself.

And no, we don’t mean that you need to profess your love to your partner in grand gestures every day. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to take Your Marriage from Good to Great and professor at Oakland University, suggests saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day for your loved one – hug, kiss, hold hands, fix a favourite dessert, or put gas in the car. Sometimes, it’s really the little things that make the most impact. So take intentional time out of your everyday routine to shower your partner with their preferred love language and make them feel recognized as special and appreciated, it will go a long way for your relationship.

3.    Be present

This might seem like a no-brainer, but being around each other every day is not the same thing as being present for your partner. Being truly present for the other person entails active listening, which means that you process and engage with what the other party is saying and pick up on the emotions and feelings they’re trying to communicate, as well as showing genuine empathy about the things and events that they’re sharing with you. Adamaris Mendoza, licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach, advocates for mindfulness as a fantastic tool for creating and maintaining happy, healthy relationships. Being present allows you to be on the same page as your other half, empathise with them, and that can do a lot to strengthen your bond and teamwork between the two of you.

4.    Maintain reasonable expectations

Remember what we said about relationships involving two separate, different people with varying beliefs, thoughts and backgrounds? That means that both of you are bound to have different wants, needs, boundaries and goals. If you have certain expectations of each other, they should be communicated and discussed with your partner. And while it is completely normal to have expectations of a partner, it is always good to know which of those expectations are non-negotiable or flexible to remain considerate and respectful for the other person while still maintaining your set boundaries.

5.    Be honest

Being honest, even when it’s hard to do so, is an important aspect of any relationship. Honesty builds trust between you and your partner, and sets your relationship up for better chances of success. Just keep in mind that while being truthful to each other is crucial, it should also be done in a manner where the truths can land in a safe place. This requires both parties to learn how to approach and handle uncomfortable topics in tactful ways so that you’ll feel secure and encouraged to be honest with each other continuously in the long run.

6.    Take care of yourself and your needs

If what you need sometimes is a little “me time” to recharge yourself so that you’ll have enough energy and mental capacity to further nurture your relationships, do it! Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean neglecting your own hobbies, wants and needs. In fact, setting time aside to do things for yourself and have proper self-care, can help to promote healthy boundaries and the overall health of your relationship. As relationship expert and author of That Which Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places, Charlie Bloom, reminds us – our responsibility to provide for our own well-being is as important as my responsibility to others.

7.    Learn how to manage conflicts well together

It is essential to recognise that conflicts are part and parcel of relationships, but not all conflicts have to escalate or leave significant damage to your relationship. The key is to know how to manage and resolve conflicts in a healthy and respectful manner. Here is some general advice to keep and remember when you’re all riled up in an argument:

• Listen – as much as you have strong convictions about something, your partner’s views deserves to be heard as well.

• Make sure you’re fighting fair – keep the focus on the issue at hand and respect the other person. Don’t start arguments over things that cannot be changed.

• Don’t attack someone directly – use “I” statements to communicate how you feel. E.g. instead of “you make me feel bad”, try “I feel bad when you…”.

• Ask yourself what role you played in this issue – instead of reacting to your partner with an emotionally-charged response, take time to think, reflect, and develop insight into why and how this issue arose in the first place.

• Don’t drag old arguments into the mix – rather than looking to past conflicts and grudges and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.

• Be willing to forgive – resolving a conflict is impossible if you refuse or are unable to forgive others.

• Give yourselves “time outs” – if the argument gets heated, the conversation cannot be productive and there’s a higher chance for someone to do or say something they’ll regret. Take a few minutes away from each other to calm down and have a think before you talk about the issue at hand again.

• Know when to let something go – if you can’t seem to reach an agreement, and it’s not a non-negotiable boundary or issue to you, you can choose to disengage and agree to disagree.

8.    Know how to give and take

Building on the previous point, healthy relationships are built on compromise. It helps for both parties to know what’s truly important for each other and themselves because it leaves more room for empathy and compromise. Partners must make an effort to ensure that there’s a reasonable exchange between the two, which helps to reduce anger and resentment for either party.

9.    Keep physical intimacy alive

For many, physical intimacy is an important aspect in a committed relationship. That includes sex, hand holding, hugs, kisses and other forms of affectionate touch. Just as how it’s advisable to purposefully carve out quality time for you and your partner, it can also help to schedule or plan regular couple time or date nights if you both have busy schedules. Physical intimacy can help boost the production of oxytocin and dopamine in our brains, which can strengthen feelings of connection, bonding and trust between couples. The process of sex itself also helps strengthen relationships due to open and honest communication that’s required during the act.

10. Commit

Last but not least, don’t forget that relationships are commitments. It takes significant time, attention and effort to build strong, healthy and long-lasting relationships with your loved ones. Staying commited is more than just being loyal, it also means sticking with your partner through thick and thin and putting in due work to grow and nurture your relationship. While it is no walk in the park, the result of building and belonging in a meaningful, committed relationship can certainly be an indescribable and worthwhile feeling and experience.

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