How to deal if your partner has mental health issues – The Soothe Booth
Psychotherapist Maria Luedeke shares how to help, from providing support to managing your own self-care
Text: Maria Luedeke
Director, Psychotherapist, Counsellor and Executive Coach at Aspire Counselling Pte Ltd, Maria Luedeke, tackles a reader question about love and mental health.
Dear Soothe Booth,
My partner is suffering from mental health issues and I want to be as supportive as I can. What should I do?
Dear Soother,
Every relationship comes with its fair share of challenges. When your significant other struggles with mental health issues, this presents a whole extra realm of considerations. I’ve outlined some key ways to equip yourself and to help your partner get through this together. Ideally, we would like the person closest to us to share our personal views and values, but more often than not this isn’t the case — not only because we’ve all gone through different life experiences — but also because our interpretation and perception of our experiences differ as well.
How to identify mental health issues in your partner
According to the World Health Organisation, mental disorders affect one in four individuals globally. Sadly, I would say that number is even higher right now due to the global pandemic and the pervasive sense of anxiety and uncertainty. Many people have experienced significant loss and been impacted financially, relationally, emotionally and environmentally either directly or indirectly.
Mental health awareness can have a multi-dimensional impact on individuals, affecting how they think, what they do, how they feel emotionally and how they feel physiologically. These four facets of the human experience constitute our total behaviour and each one is intertwined together. How someone experiences mental health issues in their total behaviour varies from one person to another. It’s highly dependent on the type of mental health issues, but in general, if you notice any significant changes in your partner's emotional regulation (ie. increased anger, apathy, sadness) physicality (extreme weight loss/gain) or behaviours that are unexplained and seem incongruent with their normal patterns of behaviour it would be worth sharing your concern.
Mentally, many with mental health issues may report feeling unable to concentrate, being distracted, “lost” and will reveal changes in actions, such as isolating themselves from friends and family, stopping activities they used to love or generally withdrawing from life. Again, there are so many different mental health issues and the ways they may manifest can vary greatly. Sharing your concern and beginning a dialogue can create an opening for your partner to express more of what they’re experiencing and for you to both gain a sense of whether the situation warrants greater investigation.
Whenever an individual is experiencing unusual symptoms continuously for longer than 2–4 weeks and/or it is impacting their daily functioning or relationships, it’s important to seek help from a qualified medical practitioner or mental health professional. Research shows that the sooner people seek help with mental health issues the better the outcome. Doing so is not a sign of weakness or incompetence; it is a sign of intelligence, strength, and honesty.
Educating yourself on the issue
The default for most of us today is to go online and look up symptoms and self-diagnose. While sometimes this can be useful, mostly it creates more anxiety, worry and misdiagnosis. If you’re concerned, your best bet is speaking to your GP or a qualified mental health professional. Once you gain some insight on the issue it may be worth proceeding to a licensed clinical psychologist, doctor or psychiatrist for a diagnosis. Some mental health issues are highly symptomatic and require psychosocial interventions by trained mental health therapists, while others may also necessitate some medication.
Giving support when you are not a trained therapist
Help out with day-to-day tasks
Offer to get groceries, make a meal, do laundry, pick-up kids or walk your dog. Small tasks like this can seem overwhelming and offering to help out can be a welcome break for your partner.Encourage them to talk to a qualified Mental Health Practitioner
Many people are reluctant: they feel ashamed, stigmatised, scared what going to see a “professional” will be like or worried they’ll be diagnosed as “crazy”. Help by getting referrals from their GP or reliable friends, offer to take them and wait, assure them there is no shame in getting help. Our bodies feel emotional pain in the same way we feel physical pain and trying to live with a serious physical injury like a broken leg without getting help isn’t something most people would consider. However, many try to live with serious mental pain unnecessarily.Let them know they’re not alone
Don’t give up on your loved one. Let them know you still love and care for them and are there for them in whatever way they need. Listening compassionately is important but sometimes just being with them in silence can be even more powerful as they can be with someone without any expectations or pressure.Be aware of significant changes
The biggest risks with mental health issues are suicide, self-harm or causing harm to others. Have crisis hotline numbers on hand if needed and if your loved one is in imminent danger of hurting themselves or others, don’t hesitate to get them to the emergency room for psychiatric treatment.Model good self-care
As the saying goes, “you can’t give from an empty vessel”. It’s important to practice good self-care for yourself and your own mental health before you can care for your loved ones, but even more so when they have high needs. How? Read on.
Practicing self-care
One thing I do with every single one of my clients is to evaluate and create an individual self-care plan for them. Self-care is SO important because it is the foundation for holistic wellness. I utilise a four-prong model which consists of Physical Self-Care, Intellectual Self-Care, Emotional Self-Care and Spiritual Self-care. Physical self-care encompasses things like how you are eating, sleeping, moving your body and addressing any underlying health issues (like diabetes or multiple sclerosis). Intellectual self-care is ensuing you are engaging in pursuits that stimulate you intellectually (for example, if you love astronomy, taking classes or attending lectures). Some people are highly intellectually engaged by their work while others aren’t, so it’s important to make sure you make an effort to stay intellectually stimulated.
How we process and regulate our emotions is emotional self-care and for most of us that involves talking to our partner, family, or friends. Writing poetry, journaling, therapy and even spending time with our pets are other ways we can attend to our emotional self-care needs. The last area of self-care — spiritual self-care — is about creating time and space in our lives for reflection, introspection, and mind-body connection. Prayer, meditation, nature bathing, walking in nature, and yoga are all wonderful ways to go.
The Soothe Booth is a regular column where we answer anonymous life questions from our community. The Soothe believes in active citizenry and holistic learning. Have a question on life? Send it to editor@thesoothe.co with ‘The Soothe Booth’ in the subject title.
